saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
