I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize