He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
