My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
