so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
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The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
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well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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