Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
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sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
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I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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