Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
