ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
