my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
