Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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