I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
