He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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