Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
