I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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