Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
