HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
