remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm always down for nudity.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
