well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
