If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
