So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
