My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
