shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
