Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
