WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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