hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
