turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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