I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
