Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You need a sexual gate keeper
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
