I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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