Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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