I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
