watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
