I wish I could teleport
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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