Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
