I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sext me about skeletons
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
