he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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