420 ftw
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
