I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
