there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
