Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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