found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you would pick up someone in the library
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
