he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
