if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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