I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
