i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
