So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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