my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Hippo gnu deer
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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