My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
