I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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