oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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