Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
