smell my finger.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
