I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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