last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
