Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
