Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
