Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
