but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
