Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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