opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
